Feel What You Need To Feel

It’s interesting all the things we do to run away from our feelings: shop, eat, gossip, binge watch, clean…avoid, avoid, avoid.

I know this because I do it. The surge of energy that comes from emotions we believe we can’t handle is too much to bear so we dive into something that’ll make it go away.

Except, our feelings don’t go away, do they? Whether we are concerned, worried, angry, in shame, whatever the wave…it doesn’t disappear because we’ve engaged our attention elsewhere. The feelings stay and direct us regardless of how in control we may feel.

A very wise reiki master and spiritual counsellor advised me to feel my feelings everyday before I started chemotherapy treatment. To sit on my meditation cushion and ask myself “how am I feeling today?” and simply, let the feelings come.

Sometimes, the feelings came in great waves of tears, sometimes they were gentle nudges of comfort, sometimes in body shaking rages. And, after each feeling passed, I was to ask myself…what are you trying to tell me? And normally the answer came…be softer, forgive, release the past…and a huge space would be created inside of me for feelings of light, joy and trust.

This is not easy work. It is, however, necessary work because it lightens us. This way, when we reach for the extra food, the remote to binge watch, or our phones to catch up on fun gossip…we do it from a place that isn’t soaked in guilt, avoidance and shame.

Feeling our feelings is the only way through and the way out of any kind of darkness. It is how we can come closer to our light.

Try this meditation to help you feel your feelings:

1. Sit in a quiet space where you won’t be disturbed.
2. Take five-ten slow inhales and exhales to deepen concentration
3. Ask yourself “How am I feeling today? I am free to feel what I need to feel in this moment.”
4. Let the feelings come up without judgment or fear – remind yourself, you are safe
5. Ask the feelings what they want you to know.
6. Feel. Breathe. for as along as you need to
7. Release with deep inhales and exhales
8. Give thanks for the courage to feel, for the insights you’ve gained
9. Pick up your journal and write everything and anything that comes to mind – see what is revealed to you
10. Say a short prayer in gratitude

My hope in sharing this with you is to give you a tool which has helped me to feel and release emotions that don’t serve me and perhaps, in this time of uncertainty, can help you.

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Surrender

I used to think surrendering meant giving up. It used to mean letting go in a negative way…you know, wave the white flag because you’ve lost the fight.

I’ve been challenged with the idea of surrender in my yoga practice. So much of yoga practice involves letting go, and because yoga began for me as a physical practice, I equated surrender to giving up on a pose or on a series or sequence of poses…so I would muscle my way through.

Well, the universe has its way of landing messages. I have been reluctant in stating online that I am in the midst of chemotherapy treatment for stage 2 breast cancer because I didn’t want to just say so for the sake of creating a story around it. My intention isn’t to inspire pity or fear because I know I heal from this dis-ease…it’s just a matter of time. I want to share this because the experience of cancer diagnosis and subsequent treatment has been my principal lesson in surrender. Nothing yells surrender like chemo.

And, strangely enough, in this strange Covid-19 era, I am so grateful for the opportunity to experience true surrender.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I am listening to what my body needs…not what my head thinks it needs. I am fluid. I am water. I am embracing this intense moment of complete transformation and embracing life gently. And, it’s beautiful.

How I Have Surrendered:

• Sleep when my body says sleep; rest when my body says rest
• Let go of how or why my husband does the things he does…truly appreciate him and his efforts in keeping me healthy and safe
• The structure of homeschool is gone…oh boy I would have thrived on a color-coded schedule for my kids! But, right now, we focus on reading, writing and math in whatever order, at whatever time. We do their projects together and I am surrendering to the idea that they are learning far more valuable lessons by being gentle with themselves than trying desperately to meet some standard – this is a huge leap for calendar-keeping, list-checking me.
• I have surrendered my will to that of the universe – this is on-going. I thrive on control. So, every day, I show up on my meditation cushion and allow. Sometimes, I need to surrender multiple times throughout the day
• I have surrendered the physicality of my yoga practice for a practice that truly meets the needs of my body and soul
• I have surrendered all agendas around my writing

What I Have Learned

• My body always knows what it needs – listen
• My husband loves me so much and he shines when I release control
• Children are resilient and incredible forces of love and light – I just have to love them and they really know what is best – this includes setting loving boundaries for acceptable and unacceptable behaviour
• My angels are watching out for me, supporting me, revealing messages to me all day long – it truly is amazing to experience the divine when we let it come into our life
• Yoga is magic. The poses I need come to me when I need them. The days that I feel strong, my body holds me without pressure. The days I require ease, my body melts into the poses without fear.
• I love to write and always will. I journal. I blog. I create stories. It is my connection to my creative self which truly allows for all of the above to flourish and I believe will support me in my journey back to health

I have a feeling I’m not the only one who struggles with surrender. I hope the small peek into my own challenges with surrender might inspire you to try it and help bring more ease, faith and purpose into your life.

Illness: A Blessing in Disguise?

In November of 2019, my body gave me lots of signs that I needed to pay attention to my health.

I had two choices: succumb to fear and the very dark places your mind likes to go or realize…I have no information other than they’re running some tests and I need to go on with my life. I chose the latter. I lived in this weird state of “it’s probably nothing, it could be something” but my kids need a snack and help with homework right now so I need to be a mom and not freak out. Besides, there was a birthday and Christmas to plan.

My husband became unusually quiet and more helpful than he usually is – which was a bonus. Extra help? I’ll take it.

I will always remember that in between time as a loop of go to the doctor, get some more information and then wait for another test…go to the doctor for results, but they need more information so wait for another test…and so on. In the meantime, I focused on my mental health, my emotional health and my faith in order to truly complete each step of my physical health journey in a way which would ensure to bring my body back into balance and ease.

I am recovering from surgery and waiting for more results to see what happens from here. I have a general overview of things – but in this process I’ve learned specifics come when the time is right. Talk about a lesson in SURRENDERING!

So why am I sharing something so intimate about my health? Because I cannot believe what I have learned!!!

This time at home has offered me the opportunity to write – Capturing a Countess’ Heart is up on Amazon (.com and .ca) and Kobo for pre-order and will be live on April 28!!!

I have time to read and to meditate – to learn about my spirituality in ways I hadn’t been able to before. For once, I don’t feel like I’m stealing time in order to do the things that fill my cup. I am being cared for by all of the people I love and most of all I am learning compassion and self-love in a deeper way which I will take with me for the rest of my life and hopefully pass on to my children.

My physical yoga practice is so different. I have been on my mat every single day since my surgery. I have modified my practice and I have been in the asanas I struggled with the most – stillness in savasana? Camel that is merely looking up without the effort to reach my heels? And I have learned that ease, love, compassion, and breath will bring my body back into balance. (I am aware that I will probably keel over the first time I attempt a power yoga class when I am well…but that’s a problem for another day).

I have learned gratitude; to ask for help; to receive help; to receive the outpouring of love with a feeling of worthiness.

Each moment has become more sweet. Losing my father in my twenties taught me to always appreciate and enjoy life…perhaps, somewhere along the way of having kids, managing a career and a marriage some of that lesson was lost…Life has a way of making sure we stay true to the lessons learned…

This time at home has afforded me so much on my path to full health, and I can’t help but think, perhaps this forced journey to health was a blessing in disguise.

Fidgeting and Fussing

At yoga practice, the instructor made a comment about the ways we tend to distract ourselves on our mat when we find a pose difficult or challenging or perhaps, in our perception, too easy. If we pay attention, we can see these tendencies off the mat.

Now that my understanding of yoga practice and philosophy have deepened, I understand that whatever I face on the mat is exactly what I need and where I need to be.

My mat reminds me to stay when things are difficult. My mat reminds me to rest and be kind to myself when things are easy.

This is a valuable lesson for my writing life. I am currently overwhelmed by all I’ve discovered about what I don’t know. And, I know, there is still so much I don’t know that I don’t know…yet.

I fidget and fuss by researching and researching and researching some more. When in reality, I just need to go through this step-by-step and address issues as they come up. I fidget and fuss by not allowing myself to absorb the small victories in this writing and publishing process. I read and re-read, edit and re-edit, go into highs and lows of this is awesome! to what am I doing?

As a first-time writer of historical romance, and long-time lover of reading it, I am proud of the way my book has fared in contests. I have received incredible praise and feedback from judges. I am proud of the incredible and detailed rejection letters I’ve received. I’m proud of having worked with an editor from Harlequin Historical because she loved my book. All of this from a question late one night a few years ago after finishing one of my many regency novels…I wonder if I can do this?

I am just about finished the final edit. And, I know it is the final edit because it feels right. It has been through multiple reads from friends to complete strangers to editors and all feedback and research I’ve discovered about historical romance and editing fiction along the way has been applied.

Capturing a Countess’ Heart is ready.

Next steps: continue blogging, formatting my book…and something I’m really excited about, commissioning my cover! I’m sure I’ll find ways to fidget and fuss throughout each of these processes – but, my process is my own. And, in recognizing my tendencies, I can use them to my advantage instead of letting them deter me.

How do you fidget and fuss to avoid accepting where you on your journey?

Calling Myself a Writer

I abandoned this blog for quite some time. I am a mother of two school-aged children, a wife, a high school teacher, and a woman on a journey of growth.

Amidst the many areas which demand my time, I spent any free minute I could find to finish my first historical romance – Capturing a Countess’ Heart.

Then I spent countless hours editing it and learning SO MUCH in the process…about historical romance…about writing…about myself.

My diligence was rewarded with a seven month period of working with an editor from Harlequin Historical. And, while Harlequin decided not to publish my work, it was the best learning experience I had.

I diverted from writing for a brief time while I pursued another goal of becoming a certified yoga instructor. And, I’m ecstatic to report that in two short months I will be a teacher of yoga (another passion of mine). It was precisely my yoga teacher training which led me to the crystal clear understanding that I cannot give up on my goal of publishing my work.

There are many walls in my way…I’m too old, I don’t have the social media presence, I know nothing about marketing, much less formatting a manuscript into a readable digital or paper copy book!

These are nothing but lies.

Part of my learning is being unapologetic about using my time for writing. For publishing. For becoming part of an on-line community in which I can interact with like-minded lovers of Historical Romance, readers and writers and bloggers!

But all of this requires just one thing in order for it to be accomplished. I need to call myself a writer.

So, here I am. Caryn Emme. Mother, wife, teacher, yogi, WRITER.

Let the publishing journey begin!

The Art of Stillness #Writing

In a world full of distractions, each seductively pulling our attention away from the things that are important to us, it becomes tantamount to find the strength to keep focused on our goals and dreams. And, it is even more important to keep focused on the present moment.

In the most purest of ways, it is only the present moment which matters. When we train ourselves to still our mind, we open ourselves to the abundance of creativity and sheer vibrance of life which exists in the universe.

I have finished my first manuscript, Capturing a Countess’ Heart. And am hoping for publication in the traditional form. If it doesn’t happen, then I will self-publish because I truly believe it is a story which readers of romance will love.

In the lull, I have been toying with  beginning draft one of book two in the series. I have been down on myself for not continuing on with my blogs. I have allowed the busyness of life take over: children, career, marriage, friends, home etc.

I wasn’t happy. I am happiest when my hands are on the keyboard giving birth to the whirlwind of words encircling my mind. I just couldn’t find my focus.

Then I enrolled in Power Yoga Canada’s 40 Days to Personal Revolution. My yoga studio is a haven for me. I find peace the moment I enter, and when we begin a class in Supta or Child’s Pose, my entire being releases onto the mat and I breathe the busyness of my day out. And, for 60 minutes, I think of nothing. Nothing but syncing my movements to my breathe. Nothing but flowing.

What I learned through these 40 Days was the beauty of meditation. I didn’t meditate regularly, or for long periods of time. But, I have felt a tremendous change in my focus with the meditation I have accomplished. I will keep meditating and I will allow the abundance of the universe help me, guide me, still me.

I will also bring this into my writing. The stillness will bring the words forward – without worry, without fuss. It’s a beautiful thing.

I am ready to start draft one of book two (and very excited to do so). I am ready to begin the publishing process for book one too – with a publisher or on my own.

Stillness. It’s where your words are found.

How do you prepare for writing your next novel, short story, poem, blog post, journal entry? What inspires and prepares you to write from your true self?