Have you ever felt like you’ve worked so hard towards a goal…and you know what the end result looks like…but you just can’t seem to get there? The road is not easy or clear of obstacles, but you surge forward knowing you will get there and be rewarded and feel accomplished and done.
Except, sometimes it feels like the road doubles in size while you’re on it.
Patience, you remind yourself. Patience.
It seems like the past four months have demanded nothing but patience. And, while I too am subjected to the patience demanded of Covid-19 self-isolation and self-care, my impatience is being tested by my need to be done with my cancer treatment.
I am finished chemotherapy treatment. And, so it must be done, right? Wrong!
There is still so much road left! There is still so much to do before I am well. Completely well. More surgery and treatments which will weaken me and push me to be strong and to overcome and to survive and to thrive.
I’m tired. I want it to be done already. I want to be at the end and be healthy. I am wishing for a giant fast-forward button so I can get to the good part and not have to live through these awful parts.
But, I can’t. Nothing is going to get me through except me getting through.
I try to remember my yoga lessons. I try to remember my meditation lessons. I try to remember to stay in the moment and feel everything. Damn. It’s hard.
I guess it’s a normal part of every journey – the wanting to be at the end already. All of the aphorisms about “enjoying the journey”, “it’s not about the destination” come to mind and I want to curse them all. I have no answers or words of wisdom on this one. I don’t even want to contemplate them to be honest. I just want to sit with my impatience and acknowledge that I am feeling this way. Because sometimes, that’s all there is to do.
Caryn Emme 